Ingabe Kufanele Uzithande Ngaphambi Komunye Umuntu?

Kunenkolelo ejwayelekile yokuthi, ukuze ubathande ngokweqiniso abanye, kufanele uzithande wena kuqala. Ukuze ube nobudlelwano obujabulisayo nobunempilo nabanye, ikakhulukazi ebudlelwaneni bezothando, ukucabanga kuyahamba, abantu kumele baqale bakukholwe lokho bona bangabantu abathandekayo benani ngokwabo. Ngempela, zonke izikole zokucabanga kuzilungiselelo zokwelashwa ngaphakathi kwengqondo ziye zagxila kulo mbono, njengokwelashwa okugxilwe ngumuntu kanye nokwelashwa okunengqondo-okunemizwa.

Kusho ukuthini ukuzithanda ngendlela engazuzisi wena wedwa kepha nobudlelwano bakho nabanye abantu? Sekuyisikhathi eside abacwaningi begxile emazingeni aphezulu we ugqhozu lwakho njengendlela eyinhloko abantu abazizwa ngayo ngayo. Njengoba kukhulunyiwe kokuthunyelwe kwangaphambilini lapha, okuphezulu uma kuqhathaniswa namazinga aphansi okuzethemba ngokuvamile aqagela abantu abaphishekela ukusondelana nokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni babo bezothando, ikakhulukazi lapho bebhekene nezimo ezisongelayo (UMurray, uHolmes, noCollins, 2006).

Kepha ukuzethemba kungaba yisibusiso esixubekile uma kukhulunywa ngobudlelwano. Ngokuqondile, phezulu ukuzethemba, yize kuhlobene nokuziphatha okuhle kobuhlobo obuthile, kuxhunyaniswe nobuthakathaka kuphela ebudlelwaneni bezempilo (Campbell & Baumeister, 2004). Abantu empeleni bangaziphatha ngendlela eyonakalisayo kubantu abathandana nabo lapho bezwa ukuthi labo abalingani baye basongela ukuzethemba kwabo ngandlela thile (okungukuthi, babathuka).

Ngakho-ke abanye abantu bangakwazi kanjani ukuzizwa beqinisekile ngabo lokho akunjalo iza nobungozi bokuzethemba okuphezulu? Muva nje, abacwaningi baqale ukuphenya uhlobo oluthile lokuzithanda, olubizwa ukuzizwela , njengomunye umthombo wokuzizwa okuhle ongakwenza inzuzo ubudlelwano bothando nobungebona obothando ngokufanayo. Ukuzwela kuhilela ukuzibheka wena — kufaka phakathi amaphutha akho — ngomusa nokwamukela, futhi ungagxili ngokweqile noma ukhonjwe ngemizwa engemihle. Kubandakanya ukwazisa ukuxhumana kwakho nabanye abaningi emhlabeni okungenzeka ukuthi bekulapho ukhona manje ngesikhathi esithile empilweni yabo (Neff, 2003). Ukuzithiba kuvame ukuhlanganiswa nokusebenza kwengqondo komuntu ngamunye. Kuhlotshaniswa nemizwa yenhlalakahle; abantu abanobubele babika injabulo eyengeziwe, ithemba, ukwaneliseka kwempilo, neminye imiphumela emihle yemizwa uma kuqhathaniswa nalabo abazihlulela kanzima (isb., uNeff, 2003).

Umsebenzi wakamuva uphakamisa ukuthi ukuzizwela nakho kungasiza kakhulu emiphumeleni yobudlelwano. Isimo sozwelo lokwakha njengesakhiwo esigcizelela ukuxhumana kwabantu ngabanye abantu kufanele sisho ukuthi kunemiphumela emihle ebudlelwaneni obuseduze. Ngokuya ngalesi sizathu, uNeff noBeretvas (2013) bahlole ukuthi ukuzizwela ngabe kuhlobene yini nokuziphatha okuhle kobuhlobo ebudlelwaneni bezothando, njengokukhathalela kakhulu nokusekela ophathina. Bacoshe imibhangqwana elinganiselwa ku-100 esifundweni sabo futhi bahlola ukuthi imibiko yabantu yokuzizwela ibikezela kanjani imibono yabalingani babo ngokuziphatha kwabo ebudlelwaneni. Bathola ukuthi abantu abaningi abazwela ngokwabo babonisa imikhuba emihle yobudlelwano — njengokukhathalela nokubasekela, futhi bangabi nolaka kakhulu noma balawule — kunalabo ababengazweli. Ngaphandle kwalokho, abantu abazwela ngokwabo nabalingani babo kubikwe amazinga aphezulu obudlelwano nenhlalakahle jikelele.

Le nzuzo ibonakala inweba ebudlelwaneni obungaphezu kobuhlobo bezothando: Cishe abafundi be-500 basekolishi babhala ngesikhathi lapho izidingo zabo zangqubuzana nezomuntu abamkhathalelayo-umama wabo, ubaba wabo, umngani wabo omkhulu, noma umlingani othandana naye. Abafundi babe sebebika ukuthi bakuxazulula kanjani ukungaboni ngasolinye, ukuthi bazizwa kanjani ngesinqumo, nemizwa yabo ihlola inhlalakahle yobudlelwano ngalunye. Kubo bonke ubudlelwano obuhloliwe, amazinga aphezulu wokuzizwela ayehlobene nethuba elikhulu lokuyekethisa ukuxazulula izingxabano; imizwa emikhulu yobuqiniso nokuxakaniseka okungatheni ngokomzwelo mayelana nokuxazululwa kwezingxabano; namazinga aphezulu enhlalonhle yobudlelwano (IYarnell & Neff, 2013).

Ngakho-ke kubonakala sengathi uyazithanda kuyinto indlela ebalulekile yokuthuthukisa ikhono lakho lokuthanda abanye — kepha ukuzithanda okubonakala kukukhulu akuwona nje ukuzethemba okuphezulu, noma ukuzizwa kahle wena ; yikhono lakho lokuba nobubele ngase ngokwakho okubalulekile, amaphutha nakho konke.

UCampbell, W. K., noBaumeister, R. F. (2004). Ngabe ukuthanda wena kuyadingeka yini ukuthanda omunye umuntu? Ukuhlolwa kobunikazi nokusondelana. Ku-M. B. Brewer & M. Hewstone (Eds.), Ukuzazisa nokuzimela komphakathi (amakhasi 78-98). Malden, MA: Ukushicilelwa kweBlackwell.

UMurray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Collins, N. L. (2006). Ukwandisa isiqinisekiso: uhlelo lokulawulwa kwengozi ebudlelwaneni. Umbiko wezengqondo, 132 (5), 641.

UNeff, K. (2003). Ukuzithiba: Ukuqonda okuhlukile kwesimo sengqondo esifanele kuwe. Ukuzazi kanye nobunikazi, 2, 85-101.

UNeff, KD. & Beretvas, N. (2013) Indima Yobubele Bakho Ebudlelwaneni Bezothando, Ukuzazi kanye ne-Identity, 12: 1, 78-98.

UYarnell, L. M., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Ukuzithiba, ukuxazulula izingxabano phakathi kwabantu, nenhlalakahle. Ukuzazi kanye ne-Identity, 12 (2), 146-159.