Ingabe Uyathukuthela Ngoshade Naye? Masikhulume Ngayo

-Delile

• Amaphuzu abalulekile
• Lapho Uthukuthele Futhi Uyakwazi: Kungani Kujwayelekile Futhi Yini Okufanele Uyenze (futhi Akunjalo Do) Mayelana Nayo
• Izinto ezi-3 okufanele uziqaphele lapho uzizwa uthukuthele kumngane wakho womshado
• Intukuthelo Efundwayo Esemqoka
• Wayenjani uMad?

Amaphuzu abalulekile

• Yize ukuzwa ukuthukuthela akukubi ngokwemvelo, intukuthelo ingaba nomthelela omubi emshadweni wakho uma kungaphathwa kahle ngayo.
• Intukuthelo engakhulunywanga noma ecindezelwe ivame ukuholela ekucasukeni nasekucindezelekeni, okungaba yingozi emshadweni.
• Ukuzizwa uthukuthele oshade naye kungokwemvelo; isinyathelo esilandelayo ukuqinisekisa ukuthi uveza intukuthelo yakho ngokufanele.
• Hlala ugcina isikhala emshadweni wakho ngomusa omncane nokuzithoba, futhi zimisele ukwamukela ukungapheleli komunye nomunye kanye nezinyoni zesikhashana.

Ingabe uke uthukuthelele oshade naye? Kwabaningi bethu, impendulo inguyebo ocacile. Singabantu, ngemuva kwakho konke, futhi intukuthelo imizwa yomuntu ejwayelekile.

Kepha ngenkathi ukuzwa ukuthukuthela akukubi ngokwemvelo, intukuthelo ingaba nomthelela omubi emshadweni wakho uma ingaphathwa kahle.

Lapho Uthukuthele Futhi Uyakwazi: Kungani Kujwayelekile Futhi Yini Okufanele Uyenze (futhi Akunjalo Do) Mayelana Nayo

Uma unalo mbono wokuthi imibhangqwana enempilo ayikaze ithukuthelelane — noma okungenani "akufanele" ithukuthele - sekuyisikhathi sokulahla leyo nkolelo engasizi ngalutho. Iqiniso ukuthi yonke imibhangqwana iyalwa. Ngokusho kongoti wezobudlelwano nomcwaningi uDkt.John Gottman, ngisho nemibhangqwana enempilo ngezikhathi ezithile iyathukuthela, imemeze, futhi ibe nemigqa evuthayo.

Ngaphezu kwalokho, intukuthelo empeleni ingaba wusizo emibhangqwaneni ezimweni eziningi. Awuzizwa kahle? Impela. Kepha kuyasiza — yebo! Intukuthelo ivame ukusebenza njenge-catalyst esiza abalingani abashadile ukubhekana nezinkinga ezingakhulunywanga.

Vele, kuwumsebenzi onzima ukuhlala phansi empeleni nixoxe ngenkinga eyisisekelo nentukuthelo ebangelwa yilo, kepha izindleko zokungenzi njalo ziphakeme kakhulu. Ngamanye amagama: intukuthelo engakhulunywanga noma ecindezelwe ivame ukuholela ekucasukeni nasekucindezelekeni — okuyingozi kakhulu emshadweni nasempilweni yomuntu.

Ngakho-ke, uma sesivumile ukuthi ukuzwa ukucasukela oshade naye kwesinye isikhathi kuyinto ejwayelekile, isinyathelo esilandelayo ukuqinisekisa ukuthi uveza intukuthelo yakho ngokufanele. Nazi izibonelo ezimbalwa zalokho ongafanele ukwenze uma uthukuthele:

• Ukugxeka okuqondile kumlingiswa womlingani wakho ("Uyavilapha!")
• Yenza ukwenziwa okubanzi nokucatshangelwayo ("Uhlale wenza lokhu!")
• Sebenzisa ukubhuqa, ukuthuka, ukubeka phansi, amahloni nokusola amaqhinga, nezinsongo (kufaka phakathi izinsongo zesehlukaniso)
• Sebenzisa "ukuphathwa buthule" noma "intukuthelo ethule" ngokunikeza ihlombe elibandayo noma uthando lokugodla
• Yell, phonsa izinto, noma ubonise noma yikuphi okunye ukuziphatha okunolaka
• Khuluma noma wenze lapho imizwa yakho iphakeme kakhulu futhi inamandla

Izimpendulo ezingenampilo ezifana nalezi ngeke zenze ushintsho oluhle — kepha zizogcina zikulimaze wena, oshade naye, ngisho nezingane zakho okufanele zifakaze ngesibonelo sakho. Esikhundleni salokho, nazi izindlela ezinempilo zokuveza, ukuxhumana, nokuphendula olakeni lwakho:

• Gxeka ukugxeka esenzweni esithile somlingani wakho noma ukungasebenzi ("Ngithukuthele kakhulu ukhohlwe ukukhipha udoti futhi wasenza saphuthelwa ukuqoqwa kukadoti, noma ngabe ngikukhumbuze kathathu")
• Khuluma lapho uzizwa ulawula amazwi akho nezenzo zakho
• Sebenzisa amasu okuzithambisa ukuze uzisize ufike esimweni esingakhuthazeki kangako
• Xoxa futhi uhloniphe imingcele ezungeze ukuhlangana okuthukuthele ("Sizothatha isikhathi semizuzu engu-20 uma ngabe omunye wethu eqala ukuphakamisa amazwi akhe noma esho okuthile okululazayo")

Izinto ezi-3 okufanele uziqaphele lapho uzizwa uthukuthele kumngane wakho womshado

1. Funa ukuqonda ukuthi kungani uthukuthele.

Cacisa ngalokhu ngangokunokwenzeka. Ingabe uthukuthele ngesenzo esithile noma ukungenzi lutho okuvela kumlingani wakho? Ngabe uthukuthelele omunye umuntu bese uyakhipha kumlingani wakho? Ngabe uthukuthele ngoba wenze umbono ongalungile? Ngabe uthukuthele ngoba isilonda esidala esingokomzwelo siqalisiwe, noma ngoba awuzange uthembeke ngokuphelele kumlingani wakho ngento ekuhluphayo?

Noma ngabe yisiphi isizathu (noma izizathu) kungenxa yolaka lwakho, luthole. Yiba nelukuluku. Yiba nomqondo ovulekile. Yiba nomusa kuwe phakathi nale nqubo yokuhlola. Awudingi ukukuthola kahle okwamanje, kodwa okungenani uchithe isikhathi esithile sokubonisa ngokuthula kamuva ukuthola ukuqonda okuthile. Ukuqwashisa ngokuthi kungani uthukuthele isinyathelo sokuqala sokubhekana nomzwelo nokuqhubekela phambili kuwo.

2. Gcina ezinye izindlela zokuzithambisa ephaketheni lakho langemuva.

Akukhona ukuthi ungalokothi uthukuthele. Imayelana nokwazi ukuthi ubhekana kanjani nentukuthelo yakho lapho iqhamuka. Futhi akudingeki ukuthi uzothule njengoBuddha ngaphambi kokukhuluma noshade naye ngalokho okukwenze wakucasula kangaka — qiniseka nje ukuthi wehlise umoya ngokwanele ukuze ukwazi ukuzilawula.

Kufanele wehlise kanjani umoya? Thola amasu akho aduduzayo futhi uwagcine elungile — noma ngabe ukuhamba ibanga elide, ukuzivocavoca, ukugeza amabhamuza, iphazili, izahluko ezimbalwa zencwadi, amakhasi ambalwa kumagazini, ukuzivocavoca imizuzu emihlanu, noma enye into ngokuphelele. Uma udinga, bhala phansi uhlu lwakho lwamasu wokulawula intukuthelo bese uwabuyekeza njalo.

3. Zimisele ukuthethelela.

Kuzwakala kulula, kepha zimisele ukuthethelela oshade naye.

Khumbula, ngisho nemibhangqwana enempilo ingangena ezimpini ezithile ezishubile, ezivusa ulaka. Kepha okubalulekile, imibhangqwana enempilo nayo inekhono lokuthola ukuxolelwa hhayi ukujuluka ngezinto ezincane. (Imibhangqwana enempilo ibuye ibe nekhono ekuboniseni intukuthelo ngokufanele futhi izame ukuqonda umthombo wentukuthelo yayo, futhi.)

Intukuthelo Efundwayo Esemqoka

Wayenjani uMad?