Ungacabanga Kanjani Ngokuhlelekile Ngobudlelwano Bakho

Ukucabanga okuhlelekile kungembula okuningi mayelana nokuthi kwenzekani nokuthi yini okufanele ukwenze ngakho, kepha njengokucabanga ngokuziphatha, kuhluke kakhulu ekucabangeni okungajwayelekile mayelana nokuziphatha nokuziphatha futhi kunzima kakhulu ukukufunda kunokuthi, ukucabanga kwe-psychoanalytic noma kwengqondo-yokuziphatha . Izici eziyinhloko zokucabanga okuhlelekile ezikwenza kube nzima ukufunda ukungabaluleki kobuntu, ukugcizelelwa kokuzimisela, kanye nokubukwa kwabantu njengokugxila kwinethiwekhi yobudlelwano kunokuba babe ngabadlali abazimele.

Umbono wokuziphendukela kwemvelo uthi ukwehluka kofuzo kukhethwa ngemiphumela, lapho imiphumela efanele ifaka phakathi ukusinda komzimba, impumelelo yokuzala, nokusinda kwenzalo. I-Behaeveismism ithi ukwahluka kokuziphatha kukhethwa ngemiphumela efaka phakathi imivuzo yemvelo kanye neyokufunda noma ukungabikho kwabo. Ithiyori yesistimu ithi izindlela zokuziphatha zikhethwa yimiphumela yazo ezinhlelweni ezifanele, kufaka phakathi imivuzo kepha kufaka phakathi ukusebenza kahle kohlelo. Ngakho-ke, intombazane yephula isikhathi sokufika ekhaya ngoba kujabulisa kepha ngokuyinhloko, mhlawumbe, ngoba kuholela ekubeni abazali bayo benze amakhonsathi.

Ukucabanga okuhlelekile kumelana nombono onembile wokuthi siziphatha njengoba senza ngenxa yezinhloso zethu, inkolelo esivame ukufundiswa njengezingane. Le psychology yesintu nayo ishumekwe olimini lwethu, lapho izifundo zishayela imiphumela ngezenzo. I-thermostat “ayiyiboni” ukuthi iyabanda futhi “ayinqumi” ukuvula isithando somlilo njengoba nje, ngokomthetho, indoda “ibona ukuthi ithathwa kalula futhi“ ithathe isinqumo ”sokudlala ngothando nomunye umuntu wesifazane.

Ukubuka okufushane kwethiyori yesistimu ukuthi abantu bachaza izimo nobudlelwano abakubo ngokuya ngokuthi izincazelo ezahlukahlukene zisebenza kanjani ekwenzeni uhlelo lusebenze kahle, lapho "ngokushelela" kukodwa kuchazwa ngokwencazelo yesimo. Isibonelo, ikamu lebhuthi lihamba kahle uma abaqashiwe bekhathele futhi besatshiswa futhi beboshelwe ngokubumbana, futhi umshado ochazwe njengekamu lebhuthi uzobandakanya umuntu okhonkotha ama-oda nomuntu obambisene ngaphansi kwemiyalo. Umshado ochazwe njengendawo yokubalekela ngokomoya uzohamba kahle uma umbhangqwana unciphisa ukuzihlanganisa nabanye futhi ungalokothi uphikisane.

Kuyasiza ukuthuthukisa ulwazimagama lwezinhlobo zemishado ngaphandle kwabantu ababandakanyekayo. “Indaba yothando lokugcina,” “owokufa kuze kube sekufeni,” kanye “nesikole sezenkolo” yonke imishado engiyibonile. Kungasiza futhi ukusebenzisa imishado ethile ukuchaza okwenzekayo. "Sikhangwa uPetruchio noKate, kodwa silokhu singena e-Othello naseDesdemona." "Ufuna ukuba nguMonica noTom Selleck noma uMonica noChandler?"

Ngaphezu kwakho konke, ukucabanga okuhlelekile kukhipha ubuntu ku-equation. Ubuntu buholela emibonweni enjengokuthi, “Oshade naye unezinkinga, futhi ngihlanzekile; engishade naye kufanele ahlanzeke. ” Ukucabanga okuhlelekile kuholela emicabangweni efana nokuthi, “Umlingani wami ufuna ubuzalwane, nami ngifuna indlu yodoli. Hmmm. ” Esikhundleni sokucabanga ukuthi umlingani wakho akakuhloniphi, ngokuhlelekile umuntu angacabanga ukuthi umlingani uzama ukukhuthaza incazelo eyodwa yobudlelwano (ukaputeni nabasebenzi? Izimoto ezihamba phambili?) Ngenkathi uzama ukukhuthaza enye (imisebenzi yasekhaya? Izibopho ezingekho emthethweni?) .

I-crux yendlela yami yokwelashwa kwezithandani ibalulekile lapha. Kungakhathaleki ukuthi izithandani zilwisana nani, futhi noma ngabe iyiphi indlela engiyikhethayo, into eyodwa engihlala ngiyenza ukuqapha indlela abaphathana ngayo ikakhulukazi lokho abakushoyo komunye nomunye. Uma omunye wabo esho okuthile okungishaya njengenothi elimuncu, ngenza uphawu "lokuphuma kwesikhathi". Ngisho okuthile okufana nokuthi, "Ingabe leyo yindlela umlingani akhuluma ngayo (noma mayelana) nomlingani (noma unkosikazi kunkosikazi noma yini)?" Uma bethi cha, ngimema lowo muntu ukuthi azame futhi, kulokhu akhulume njengoba enza komunye (noma ngomlingani wakhe).

Uma bethi yebo, ngingaveza imiphumela engahlosiwe yohlobo lomshado abawusebenzisayo. (Isibonelo, lapho umshado uqhutshwa njengenkulisa, ngingaveza ukuthi alukho ucansi oluningi phakathi kothisha benkulisa kanye nabasenkulisa.) Uma bengavumelani ngokuthi isitatimende sihambisana yini nezindima zobudlelwano, sikhuluma ngalokho .

Imibhangqwana ingazuza ngophawu lokuphuma kwesikhathi. Qaphela ukuthi ungayisebenzisi lapho umlingani wakho esho okuthile ongavumelani nakho; yisebenzise kuphela uma ungavumelani nendlela abakusho ngayo. Bese ukhuluma ngohlobo lobudlelwano abakukhuthazayo indlela abakhuluma ngayo nokuthi luhlobo luni lobudlelwano enifuna ukuba nabo.

Uma kungenalutho olunye, isikhala sokuphumula esinobungani, sokusebenzisana sizoba yindawo enhle yokuxhuma kabusha. Vele, uphawu lokuphuma kwesikhathi kufanele lusetshenziswe ekuqaleni kokuhamba kabi. Uma ungakunaki okokuqala lapho kukhulunywa ngathi uthanda inkulisa, kungenzeka ukuthi uphendule njengengane, bese kuthi lapho wenza uphawu lokuphuma kwesikhathi, ususempini egcwele. Yize kunjalo, uma izinto sezizinzile, ungazama ukuthola ndawonye lapho umbhangqwana usuka kujantshi womshado ungene kumkhondo wokuhlukumezeka, futhi ungabuyekeza izinzuzo zokubiza isikhathi lapho izinto ziqala.

Ngaphezu kokuthatha isikhathi futhi nixoxe ngezinto (okubizwa nge- “metacommunication”), ungathatha nezinyathelo zokukhuthaza uhlobo lomshado ofuna ukuba kulo kunokuba usebenzise ngokungazi uhlobo lomshado ongafuni ukulenza I-The. I-the ngokuvamile ivame ukuthatha izinhlobo zemibuthano enonya. Isibonelo, ohlotsheni lomshado wesikole esizimele, unkosikazi wenza ubuntombi noma uyathethisa, futhi umyeni enze sengathi ufuyisiwe kodwa aqhubeke nokuqhuma kwentsha. Ukuqhuma kwentsha yakhe kungenzeka kumenze azizwe sengathi uyamthethisa, futhi okuphambene nalokho, futhi bobabili basabela komunye kunokukhuthaza umshado abangawuthanda.

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