Ukufunda Ukuthanda Nokuthandwa

Ukuthanda nokuthandwa akunikezwa. Umhlaba ubungaba yindawo engcono kakhulu ukube ingane ngayinye elethwe kuyo ibifunwa futhi ithandwa — uma kungenjalo ngaphambi kokuzalwa bese kuthi ngemuva nje kwalokho, uma nje ubukhona bayo buzwakala. Lokho, ngeshwa, akunjalo. Izindaba ezethusayo, njengalezo ezichazwe ezifundweni ze-Adverse Childhood Experiences, ziningi, zichaza izinselelo ezibhekene nezingane ezingathandwa. Umphumela ongenakugwemeka ukuthi lapho-ke badinga ukufunda ukupha nokwamukela uthando. Ngoba uthando bekungeyona into abahlale beyazi, abazi ngokuzenzakalela ukuthi bangenza kanjani kahle, ikakhulukazi uma kukhulunywa ngokuzithanda bona nokuzizwa befanelekile ukuthandwa ngomunye.

Ngokujabulisayo, ikhono lokuzwa uthando libonakala linzima njengamakhono ethu okuhamba, ukukhuluma, ukufunda noma ukudlala. Ezinye izimo zangaphakathi ezinjengohlelo lwe-sensor sensorototor, ukungabi bikho ebuhlungwini, ukufinyelela kokunethezeka okuhlobene, nokuphepha okuyisisekelo ekulimaleni kuvumela ingane ukuthi ijabulele ubumnandi bokuthintwa, bokuphindaphinda kumazwibela nokuhleka, kokukwazi ukuncika kothile ozomnakekela ngezidingo ezingeke zahlangatshezwa ngokuzimela. “Ukunamathela okuphephile,” itshe legumbi lobudlelwano bothando, kukhula ngenxa yokwethemba ukuthi othile uzokunikeza okudingekayo. Lapho ukunganakwa, ukuhlukunyezwa, noma ubudedengu kuthathela indawo induduzo eyisisekelo, ingane iba nokuqonda okuhlukile nokusetha okulindelwe ebudlelwaneni.

Imicabango yabantu yokusiza nokunikeza ukunakekelwa ayinakucatshangwa. Umusa olula womuntu onikeza induduzo noma ukunakwa unga (mis) kuqondwa njengothando; mhlawumbe ukungaguquguquki kokutholakala kuphela kunikeza umuzwa ophephile obizwa ngokuthi “uthando.” Kulezi zimo, uthando luchazwa ngobudlelwano obunikeza ukunakekelwa esikhundleni sonya, ubungani esikhundleni sokungaqageli, noma uthando esikhundleni sokuncishwa. Uthando luchazwa ngokuhlangenwe nakho okukhipha amakhemikhali — i-oxytocin (i-cuddle / i-hormone enakekelayo), i-dopamine (ikhemikhali lokuzijabulisa), i-vasopressin (yokukhanga) noma, kulandela ukuthomba, i-estrogen ne-testosterone yenkanuko. Injabulo yokuzizwa yamukelwa futhi yaziswa isazotholakala.

Kodwa-ke uthando lungafundwa, ikakhulukazi uma sesifikile ebusheni, sithola amandla okucabanga kusengaphambili nenhloso yokuqonda, futhi singafunda ukuzithanda. Ngobuchopho obukhulayo obuvumela ukucabanga nokwandisa okwenzeka empilweni okwenza indawo yomphakathi obanzi, abantu bayakwazi ukuzibona benelukuluku, ukunaka, uzwela nomusa.

• Ilukuluku, ukuzimisela ukuhlola nokwamukela uhla oluphelele lokuphendula nemizwa, kuletha ikhono lokubonga ngakho konke imizwa yethu nemizwa yethu engakufundisa ngokuhlangenwe nakho komuntu. Kungashukumisela umuntu ukuba abheke ngaphansi kokubukeka, ukuthola into ngaphansi kokuthula noma ukungabi nalutho ngaphansi kwe-glitter. Ukuzama indima entsha, ukuthuthukisa ikhono elisha, ukuphenya umuntu ongaba khona esikhathini esizayo kungaletha ukwethembeka nokuqondiswa kwangaphakathi kanye nokuzihlonipha okusemqoka wokuzithanda.
• Ukunakwa i-prong yesibili yokuzithanda. Ukunaka kusho ukuhlola lokho okuletha ubumnandi noma okuqeda izinhlungu nokutshala imali ekuhlinzekeleni kokubili. Kuyindlela yokuzithanda okukhuliswa kalula ngokucabanga, ukucabanga, ukuthula. Ngokuzinika isikhathi sokulalela umzimba womuntu futhi uhloniphe isidingo sokudla, isiphuzo, ukunyakaza, ukwanda noma ukwehla kokukhuthaza, sifunda ukukhomba izidingo zethu, ukucwasa phakathi kwezidingo nokufunayo, nokuthola izindlela zokuzinakekela . Ukwelulwa kwe-Yoga kungaba izingathekiso zokuzelula ngezinye izindlela; ukuma okulinganiselwe kungabonisa ukulingana kwangaphakathi; umkhuba ojwayelekile wobuciko ungakha ukuzithiba. Izidingo zethu ezicashile ziyagxila lapho sihamba kancane futhi sinake.
• Ububele kungaba yisihluthulelo somlingo wokuzithanda. Uzwela esiluzwayo lapho sizibuka ngothando olunobubele lusivumela ukuthi siqaphele ukungapheleli kwethu futhi samukele izifiso zethu zobuntu, izifiso zethu, futhi ikakhulukazi izinqolobane zethu ezilinganiselwe. Singayeka ukwenza izimfuno ezingenangqondo kithi ukuze sikholwe ukuthi siyathandeka. Ukufuna ukuthi "silunge ngokwanele" ukuthi sifanelwe uthando kusimema kuphela ukuthi sikhuphukele kuthelevishini lokufuna ukuphelela. Izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo eziningi ezingenakubalwa zisikhombisile ukuthi "okuphelele" akukho kulwazi lwethu lomuntu. Isibonelo, uRoy Baumeister, lapho enza izivivinyo zakhe ezidumile ze-chocolate chip cookie, ukhombisile ukuthi amandla okuthanda asebenzisa amandla ethu angokomzwelo. Ukhombisile ukuthi ukuzithiba akupheleli, futhi siyaphela emuva kokuzikhandla okwandisiwe. Kwesinye isibonelo, uSheldon Cohen, uBert Uchino, uJanice Kiecolt-Glaser, kanye nozakwabo abahlukahlukene, ochungechungeni lwezifundo ezahlukahlukene, bahlole izindleko zempilo yomzimba zobuhlungu bemizwa nokukhulumisana okungalungile ebudlelwaneni obusondelene. Ngokwenza njalo, laba bacwaningi nabanye babhale amasosha omzimba anokuhlakanipha okungaphezu kokukhohlisa kokulimala ngokomzimba. Njengoba amaFulentshi asho, “ophelele uyisitha sokuhle” —ukuphelela akukho nje futhi inkolelo ongayithola kuzoholela ekwehlulekeni.
• Izenzo zomusa izindlela zokubonisa nokwakha ukuzithanda. Ngemicabango emnene, imikhuba ehloniphayo, kanye nokuziphatha okondlayo, sobabili sikhombisa uthando kithi futhi siphoqeleke ukuba sivume imiphumela yako. Isithunzi, injabulo nokuzihlonipha idokodo lokuthi ukuthanda kungumsebenzi ofanele.

Ilukuluku, ukunaka, ububele nomusa, okwenziwa njengezindlela zokuzihlonipha thina, kusivumela ukuba sakhe ubuhlobo obunothando nathi uqobo. Futhi lapho sesifunde ukuzithanda thina, ukuziphatha ngokunakekela, ukungaguquguquki, nothando, singaqondisa izinhliziyo zethu ezinothando ngaphandle.

Yiziphi ezinye izinhlobo zothando ezisilindele?

• Singazithanda izingane. Isikhumba sabo esithambile, iphunga elimnandi, amakhanda amakhulu nokuphendula lapho izidingo zabo zifeziwe zisimema ukuba sibathande. Lapho izidalwa ezimbili zazana, kukhula izibopho zothando. Njengoba amandla ethu ekhuphuka, singafinyelela ukuthanda kabanzi nangokubanzi.
• Siyawuthanda umndeni. Kwesinye isikhathi. Amanye amalungu omndeni ngaphezu kwamanye. Nomndeni ozikhethele wona kanye nomndeni ngegazi noma izibopho ezisemthethweni. Singafunda ukuthanda labo esihlanganyela nabo impilo yethu yansuku zonke ngenxa yokuchayeka kwethu ngqo ekubeni khona komunye nomunye okuyisisekelo.
• Siyabathanda labo esibanakekelayo. Kunokuthile ngokunakekela omunye umuntu ngokomzimba oncike kithi ngalolo lwazi olufinyelela ekujuleni kwamandla ethu okunikela, ukwenza umehluko. Kusivumela ukuthi sibathande futhi sithande nendlela esizizwa ngayo ukuthi sikwazi ukwenza umehluko. Abanakekeli bavame ukubika injabulo ehlala njalo ngokuxhumeka kwabo.
• Siyabathanda abangane. Izibopho zobungane ziyindlela ekhethekile yothando, eyodwa lapho sikhula futhi sabelana ngayo njengoba izimpilo zethu ziguquka. Ekuzulazuleni ekucindezelekeni kwethu kanye nasekunqobeni kwethu, imisebenzi esabelana ngayo kanye nezinsizi, sazisa amandla omunye nomunye futhi sikhule kuwo. "Umbono wokunweba wothando" owenziwe ngu-Arthur no-Elaine Aron ungasebenza ebunganeni kanye nakubudlelwano bothando.
• Siyazithanda izilwane zethu ezifuywayo. Ubudlelwano obuphakathi kwesilwane sasekhaya nomnikazi waso bungabuphendukezela, ikakhulukazi lapho isilwane sibonisa uhlobo lokunamathiselwa oluza kalula kwezinye izilwane ezincelisayo. Ngemuva kokuthi ngibe ngumfelokazi, ubudlelwane bami ne-bichon yami banginikeza okuthile ukugcwalisa zonke izikhala ezingenalutho ebezigcwele uthando. KuLabhoratri yakhe yeCanine Cognition, uprofesa waseYale uLaurie Santos ukhombisile izibopho ezihlukile izinja ezingaba nazo namakhosi nabaphathi bazo; I-Canine Cognition Laboratory eDuke ilandele imithombo yalezi zibopho phansi ezimpandeni zazo zamakhemikhali.
• Siyazithanda izifiso zethu. UMihalyi Csikszentmihaly ushicilele incwadi yakhe yokuqala emayelana nesimo “sokugeleza,” ukuzibandakanya okugcwele emsebenzini lapho inkanuko iba yisikhuthazi sayo, ngo-1975. Kwalandela isikhukhula sokuqinisekisa ucwaningo. Ukuzinikela kwethu emsebenzini esiwuthandayo kuletha izinzuzo ezingenakubalwa ezihambisana nezolunye uhlobo lothando.
• Siyazithanda izindawo. Singanamathela kalula endaweni enencazelo ethile kithi. Noma kungenxa yomlando wethu kuleyo ndawo noma impendulo yethu yobuhle kuyo. Umkhakha wezengqondo yezemvelo uhlola lolu thando. Ezinye izifundiswa zize zaphikisa ngokuthi sigxilisa ukuma kwezwe lapho sizalelwa khona futhi sihehwa unomphela ezweni elifanayo. Ngendlela elinganiselwe kakhudlwana, abantu bangakha ikhaya abalithandayo futhi baqinisekise ukuthi liyabasiza bathole ukondleka komzimba nomphefumulo.
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  Uma impilo yakho ingaqalanga kunothi eligcwele uthando nokunaka, ungalahli ithemba. Uthando lungafundwa, futhi ungaba nenjabulo yokungaluzwa nje kuphela, ulunikeze, futhi wabelane ngalo, kepha futhi nokulufundisa. Yisiphi isibusiso esikhulu ukwedlula lesi esingaba khona?

  Imininingwane 2019: URoni Beth Tower.

  UCsikszentmihalyi, M., Abuhamdeh, S., Elliot, A. & Nakamura, J. (2005). Incwajana Yekhono Nogqozi. IGuilford Press.

  UCsikszentmihalyi, Mihaly (1975). Ngaphandle Kwesithukuthezi Nokukhathazeka: Ukuhlangabezana Nokugeleza Komsebenzi Nokudlala, ESan Francisco: UJossey-Bass. I-ISBN 0-87589-261-2