Ingabe Kufanele Ulindele Okungaphezulu Kubudlelwano Bakho, noma Ngaphansi?

Sonke silindele ubudlelwane bethu bezothando. Kepha kufanele sibe njalo ukukhulisa noma ukwehlisa lokho okulindelwe? Kungcono ukubeka amazinga ethu phezulu, ngakho-ke sizogqugquzeleka ukuthi sisebenzele ukwakha ubudlelwano obuhle kakhulu? Noma kungcono ukugcina okulindelwe kwethu kulawulwe, ukuze singadumali lapho ubuhlobo buphenduka bungaphelele?

Uhlaka olulodwa oluwusizo lokucabanga ngalo mbuzo luye lwaphakanyiswa ngu-Eli Finkel nozakwabo: "The Suffocation Model." ¹ Bathi umshado wanamuhla usufuna kakhulu ngoba silindele ukuthi ugcwalise izidingo eziphakeme nangokwengqondo futhi siqala "ukuminyanisa" ngenkathi siphishekela lezi zidingo "eziphakeme kakhulu". Esikhathini esedlule, umshado wawususelwa ekucabangeni okusebenzayo njengokukhulisa umndeni, nokuhlangabezana nesidingo sethu sokuthandwa. Kepha emashumini eminyaka amuva nje, abantu baqale ukulindela okuningi emshadweni — ikakhulukazi, iningi lethu manje selilindele ukuthi ubudlelwano bethu buzofeza nokwethu izidingo zokuhlonipha (ukuzethemba nokuzichaza) kanye ne izidingo zokuzenzela , njengokuhlinzeka ngamathuba okukhula komuntu siqu nokusisiza senze konke okusemandleni ethu.

Ngokusho kukaJames McNulty, imodeli yokuncisha umoya ingasetshenziselwa ukuqonda amazinga wobudlelwano ngoba igcizelela ukubaluleka kokulindelwe hhayi nje kuphela, kepha ukuthi ingena kanjani kumongo omkhulu wobudlelwano. ² Eminye imibhangqwana, noma ngabe ikhuthazeke kakhulu ukwenza ngcono ubudlelwane bayo, kungenzeka ingakwazi ukwenza kanjalo. Izingcindezi ezingaphandle, izingqinamba zobuntu, kanye namakhono angafanele okusebenzelana nabanye kungenza kube nzima ukuthi ubudlelwano buchume. Ngakho-ke ukulindela okuphezulu kungashukumisela abantu ukuthi basebenze ngokuzikhandla ebudlelwaneni babo — kepha noma ngabe lokho kugqugquzela kuguqukela ekuthuthukisweni kwangempela kuncike ekhonweni lombhangqwana lokwenza lezo zinguquko zenzeke. Futhi njengoba abantu belindele okungaphezulu ebuhlotsheni babo, imibhangqwana embalwa ingahle ibe namakhono adingekayo.

Ukuhlola lo mbono, uMcNulty wafunda imibhangqwana engu-135 esanda kushada, eyayishade izinyanga eziyisithupha noma ngaphansi. ² Lezi zithandani zathwetshulwa ngenkathi ziba nezingxoxo ezimbili ngendawo enenkinga emshadweni wazo, futhi zaqeda izinyathelo ezimbili zamazinga wobudlelwano. Ngaphezu kwalokho, umlingani ngamunye uqedele izinyathelo zezinkinga zobudlelwano kanye nekhwalithi yomshado njalo ezinyangeni eziyisithupha kuya kweziyisishiyagalombili cishe iminyaka emine.

Izinga lobudlelwano bomlingani lalinganiswa ngezindlela ezimbili: Okokuqala, bakala ukuthi kubaluleke kangakanani kubo ukuthi ubudlelwano babo buhlangabezane nezimpawu ezizothathwa njengeziphezulu kakhulu — izimfanelo ezithile ezihloliwe zifaka ukwethembeka, ukuzibophezela, ukunakekela, ukweseka, inhlonipho, isasasa, inselelo, ubumnandi, ukuzimela, nothando.Babuye balinganisa ukuthi zibaluleke kangakanani izindawo zobudlelwano ezi-17 kubo, kufaka phakathi ukuxhumana, ukuphatha izimali, ezocansi nokuzimela.

Inhloso esemqoka yalolu cwaningo kwakuwukuthola ukuthi ngabe imibhangqwana 'ikhono lokwenza ngcono ubudlelwane bayo izonquma ukuthi ukulindela okuphezulu bekungumsindisi wobudlelwano yini noma bungaqedwa. Lawa makhono obudlelwano alinganiswa ngezindlela ezimbili: Eyodwa yayihilela ukufaka amakhodi ezingxoxweni ezirekhodiwe zaselebhu zokungqubuzana. AmaCoders abukele le mibhangqwana ukuthola izimpawu zokuziphatha okungaqondile okungaqondile, uhlobo lokuziphatha okungqubuzanayo okukhonjiswe kabanzi ukuthi kuyinkinga. Lokhu kuziphatha kufaka ukusola okungaqondile noma imiyalo ehilela ukucabanga ngesimo sengqondo somlingani wakho (isb., “Ngiyazi ukuthi uzizwa kanjani ngempela ngalokhu”); imibuzo enobutha (isb., “Ngikutshele ini ngalokhu?”); ukugwema umthwalo wemfanelo (isb., “Angikwazi ukukusiza, yindlela engiyiyo nje); nokubhuqa.

Amakhono nawo ahlolwe ngokuthola ukuthi zazinzima kangakanani izinkinga zabashadikazi ekuqaleni komshado wabo. Imibhangqwana icelwe ukuthi ilinganisele ukuthi zingakanani izindawo eziyizinkinga eziyi-17 ezingaba yinkinga ebudlelwaneni bazo (isb., Imali, abasekhweni, ubulili, izidakamizwa / utshwala). Noma izinkinga zobudlelwano zingaba ngumphumela wezindinganiso eziphakeme, zathathwa njengezinkomba zokuthi umbhangqwana ukwazile kangakanani isivumelwano nezinkinga ekuqaleni komshado wabo, futhi ngenxa yalokho njengokukhonjiswa kwamakhono obudlelwano.

Ngabe okulindelwe kakhulu kuhle kweminye imibhangqwana hhayi eminye?

Imiphumela ikhombise ukuthi emibhangqwaneni eyayinamakhono obudlelwano abampofu — eyayiziphatha ngendlela engaqondile phakathi kwezingxoxo ezingqubuzanayo, noma eyayinezinkinga ezinkulu ukuqala - ukulindela okukhulu kwakuhlotshaniswa mpofu ikhwalithi yomshado. Kule mibhangqwana, ukulindela okukhulu kwakunzima ukuhlangabezana nakho, futhi kungenzeka ukuthi bagcina bedumele futhi bekhungathekile.

Imibhangqwana enamakhono obudlelwano obungcono ikhombise iphethini ehlukile: Ukulindela okuphezulu kwakuhlotshaniswa nakho kangcono ikhwalithi yomshado. Ngakho-ke emibhangqwaneni unayo amandla okwenza ubudlelwano babo, ukulindela okuphezulu kungaba isisusa sokusebenzisa amakhono abo futhi bathuthukise ngempela ikhwalithi yobuhlobo babo.

Kusho ukuthini lokhu emibhangqwaneni efuna ukujabula ngokwengeziwe?

Iphakamisa izindlela ezimbili ezingaba khona: Imibhangqwana ingasebenzela emakhonweni ayo, ukuze kube semsebenzini wokufeza okulindelwe-futhi lokhu kuvame ukuba iqhinga elinconywe ngochwepheshe bezeluleko ngezobudlelwano nabelaphi bezithandani.

Kepha lolu cwaningo olusha lukhombisa ukuthi imibhangqwana nayo ingafuna ukucabanga ukwehlisa amazinga abo . Lokho kungazwakala sengathi "ukuyeka" ebuhlotsheni. Kepha akudingeki ukuthi kusho lokho.

Cabanga nje lesi seluleko esifanayo sisetshenziswa ekwanelisekeni kakhulu ngomzimba wakho: Ungaqala ukulandela ngokuqinile izincomo zokudla zokwehlisa isisindo futhi uphelelise izivivinyo ezingakhombisa izindawo zakho eziyinkinga. Ukuthuthukisa lamakhono kuzoletha umzimba wakho uhambisane kakhulu namazinga akho, futhi mhlawumbe kukhulise ukwaneliseka komzimba wakho. Kepha ungehlisa nezindinganiso zakho bese uthi, "Akubalulekile kangako kimi ukuthi ngine-abs yamaphakethe ayisithupha." Futhi lolo shintsho lwengqondo ekugcineni luzokwenza ukuthi waneliseke ngokwengeziwe ngomzimba wakho.

Lokhu akusho ukuthi akufanele ulindele lutho ebuhlotsheni bakho; esikhundleni salokho, ungahle uthande ukucabanga ngokushintsha izindinganiso zakho ukuze ungalindeli ukuthi umlingani wakho ahlangabezane nazo zonke izidingo zakho futhi akufeze ngokuphelele.

Ngakho-ke zibuze: Ngabe "uyafinyisa" njengoba uzama ukufeza okulindelwe okuphezulu kakhulu ebudlelwaneni bakho?

UGwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D. unguprofesa ohlangene wezengqondo e-Albright College ofunda ubudlelwano kanye ne-cyberpsychology. Mlandele ku-Twitter ukuthola izibuyekezo mayelana nokusebenza kwengqondo kwezenhlalo, ubudlelwano, nokuziphatha okuku-inthanethi, futhi ufunde ezinye izindatshana zakhe kuma-Close Encounters.

Izinkomba

^{1 UFinkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). Ukuminyaniswa komshado: Ukukhuphuka iNtaba iMaslow ngaphandle komoya-mpilo owenele. Uphenyo Lwezengqondo, i-25, 1-41.}

^{2 UMcNulty, J. K. (2016). Ingabe abashadile kufanele bafune okuncane emshadweni? Umbono womongo kumiphumela yamazinga okusebenzelana. Bulletin yobuntu ne-Social Psychology, 42, 444-457.}