Ama-lens amathathu esibuka ngawo umshado

Ku-op-ed yakamuva ku Izindaba zaseDallas Morning , UDavid Brooks uxoxe ngalokho akubiza ngamalensi amathathu lapho isiko elidumile libuka khona umshado. Ilensi yezengqondo igxile ezindabeni zokuhambisana (isb., Ubuntu, ubumnene, izimali, isifiso sobulili). Lokhu kukhuluma kulokho engivame ukubiza ngakho njengenkinga enkulu ebudlelwaneni — okungukuthi, ukuthi zibandakanya abantu. Futhi njengoba mhlawumbe uqaphele, ukubhekana nabantu kungaba nzima. Ubudlelwano obuningi, naphezu kwemivuzo yabo eminingi, kwesinye isikhathi buba nokudidizela, kube umthwalo, kube nzima, kube nzima, futhi / noma kuphazamise. Lokhu kuphakamisa umbuzo wokuthi umphakathi waseMelika unesisu sobudlelwano bangempela; okungukuthi, ubudlelwano lapho abalingani bathatha khona okubi ngokuhle.

Enye indlela yokubuka ilensi yokuqala ivela kumbono wokunamathiselwe. Okunamathiselwe kusho ikhwalithi yokuphepha nokuphepha ebudlelwaneni. Emshadweni, umqondo wokuphepha wabalingani obususelwa ebudlelwaneni babo bokuqala kanye nokulindela kwabo izinto ezimbi ezenzekayo kuya phambili kubambiswano lwabo lwabantu abadala. Lokhu kusho ukuthi uma wena nozakwenu nibhekene nezinkinga zokuhambisana, amathuba okuba omunye noma nobabili nidale izinkumbulo ezinhle nezimbi ezivela ebudlelwaneni obudlule. Uma ungakuqondi lokhu futhi ufunda ukwamukelana nokuphatha omunye nomunye — njengoba nje ungakhulisa ingane noma uphathe isilwane sasekhaya — izikhalazo ngentukuthelo, ukwesaba, ukuqhela, ukunamathela, nokunye okunjalo kuzoba imbangela yokwelulekwa emshadweni noma ukulamula.

Ilensi yesibili ka Brooks igxile othandweni lwezothando. Amaphesenti amancane kuphela wezinyunyana ezisuselwa kwezothando kuphela adlulisa ukuhlolwa kwesikhathi. Eqinisweni, isiko lethu ligcina izinganekwane ezahlukahlukene zothando, njengokuthi kukhona umphefumulo wodwa ongaphandle kwakho, futhi kufanele uzithande ngaphambi kokuthanda omunye. Abantu abaningi bashada ngenxa yothando njengokungathi ukuphela kwento ebingabagcina behlangene. Kuyiqiniso ukuthi imvelo isinikeza nge-jet-fueled libido ekuqaleni kobudlelwano, kepha lokho akuqinisekisi ubudlelwane obuhlala isikhathi eside, obujabulisayo. Iqiniso ukuthi uthando oluvuthiwe luthuthukiswa ngokwondliwa kwansuku zonke komshado nokuzinikela ebudlelwaneni, okunikeza umoya-mpilo ovumela abalingani ukuthi baphile futhi baphumelele ezenzakalweni zempilo.

Ngingummeli walokho engikubiza ngobudlelwano obuphephile. Lokhu kusho ukuthi wena nozakwenu nisebenza njengohlelo lwezengqondo lwabantu ababili ngendlela ebambisene ngokuphelele, enikanayo futhi enengqondo. Ngaphandle kokungabaza, uma wena nomlingani wakho nibeka ubudlelwano bakho phambili futhi nigxila enhlalakahleni yomunye nomunye nizothola izinzuzo eziningi esikhathini esifushane nesikhathi eside. Ngale ndlela, njengoba, njengoba ngithanda ukusho, ku-foxhole ndawonye, ​​lapho ninomhlane khona futhi niqede ngokungangabazeki noma yimuphi umqondo wokungavikeleki noma usongo ebudlelwaneni.

Ilensi yesithathu, kimi, mhlawumbe ibaluleke kakhulu. Lapha, uBrooks ukhuluma ngendawo yokuziphatha, futhi ikakhulukazi ukubaluleka kokuzidela. Lapho abalingani bebeka ubudlelwano babo phambili futhi bebubheka njengehansi elizobeka iqanda legolide, ngomqondo ongokomfanekiso, bavame ukuligada sengathi impilo yabo incike kulo. Ngiyaqinisa ukuthi empeleni izimpilo zabo zincike kukho. Ukuziphatha okuphelele ekuvikelweni okuhlangene kwaleli bhizinisi lesithathu — uhlelo lwezemvelo lombhangqwana — lubalulekile hhayi kuphela kozakwethu kodwa nasezinganeni zabo nakubo bonke abanye abasendaweni yabo. Uhlelo lomshado luyingxenye encane kunazo zonke zomphakathi. Abalingani bomshado abasabodwa nje abantu; kunalokho, banikela eqenjini elibahlinzeka ngalokho abakudingayo ukuze bachume empilweni, ngaphakathi nangaphandle kobuhlobo.

Le lensi igxila kokungokwesithathu okukhulu kunabalingani ngokwabo. Ngomqondo othile, ubudlelwano bungahlonishwa ngendlela abalingani abahlanganyela ngayo ekuhlonipheni uNkulunkulu noma ingane yabo. Okuhlangenwe nakho kungaba okomoya impela.

Ngithanda ukubuza imibhangqwana ukuthi ikulungele yini ukuguquka njengohlelo lwabantu ababili lapho ukuzithokozisa kungadluli inzuzo yabantu bonke. Ngeshwa, kokuhlangenwe nakho kwami, imibhangqwana eminingi isolwandle uma kukhulunywa ngokuphendula imibuzo ebaluleke kakhulu: “Kusizani ukushada? Yini eniyenzela omunye nomunye eningeke nikwazi ukukhokhela omunye umuntu ukuba ayenze? Yini eyenza nobabili nibaluleke kangaka? Ukhonza ini? Ukhonza bani? ” Lokhu kuyimibuzo yokuziphatha. Ngenkathi umhlaziyi wezepolitiki uDavid Brooks esebenzisa le lens ukuchaza izinga lokwehla komshado, ngincamela ukubona kuwo isithombe esicacile semfundo ehlakaniphile, ehambisanayo emshadweni engasiholela ebudlelwaneni obuphephe kakhulu.

Izinkomba

IBrooks, D. (2016, Feb. 24). Kungani izinga lomshado ojwayelekile lehla. Izindaba zaseDallas Morning . Ibuyiswe kusuka ku-http: //www.dallasnews.com/opinion/latest-columns/20160224-david-brooks-why-the-quality-of-the-average-marriage-is-in-decline.ece

UTatkin, S. (2012). Intambo yothando: Ukuqonda ubuchopho bomlingani wakho kungakusiza kanjani ekunciphiseni izingxabano nokuvusa ukusondelana. I-Oakland, CA: IHarbinger entsha.

UTatkin, S. (2016). Okunconyelwe ukuphola: Ukuqonda isitayela se-neurobiology nesinanyathiselwa kungakusiza kanjani ukuthola umlingani wakho ofanele . I-Oakland, CA: IHarbinger entsha.

UStan Tatkin, i-PsyD, i-MFT, ungumbhali we-Wired for Love ne-Wired for Dating kanye ne-Brain yakho ku-Love, kanye no-coauthor we-Love and War ku-Intimate Relationships. Unomkhuba wokwelashwa eSouthern CA, ufundisa eKaiser Permanente, futhi ungumsizi kasolwazi kwezokwelapha e-UCLA. UTatkin wenza i-Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT) futhi kanye nomkakhe, uTracey Boldemann-Tatkin, basungula i-PACT Institute.