Ubudlelwano Obuvulekile, Obungabodwa, Obubodwa noma Obuklama

Okunye umehluko engikwenzayo namuhla uma kuqhathaniswa neminyaka eyishumi edlule, ukuvuleka lapho imibhangqwana ingena ekwelashweni ukuxoxa ngesifiso sayo sokuvula ubudlelwano bayo bodwa. Bangase futhi baxhumane nesikhungo sami sothando nezocansi e-NYC ukuxoxa ngobudlelwano babo obuvuleke kahle bokusebenzela amakhono okuxhumana angcono, ukuthola izeluleko mayelana nokuba ngumzali, noma ukuxoxa ngokuxoxisana kabusha.

I-athikili yakamuva esigabeni seNew York Times Magazine, Ingabe Umshado Okhululekile Umshado Ojabulisayo? amaphrofayli afakiwe emibhangqwana embalwa engenele ezinhlakeni ezingezona ezomuntu oyedwa. Umbhali ubelusizo ekudaluleni ukuthi ukuvula noma ukuhlala ngaphakathi kwezivumelwano ezingezona ezomuntu oyedwa kungokwabantu abanesifiso sokukhuluma ngemizwa yabo noma ngabe kumayelana nokungazethembi, ukuziqhenya, umona noma isasasa lokwenza okuvusa inkanuko ngommeleli phakathi kwezinye izindaba eziphakanyiswe kulobu budlelwano. Kepha amanye amaphuzu abalulekile alahlekile, ngombono wami.

Lo mbhalo awuzange uveze ukuhlukahluka okuphelele emiphakathini engahlangene neyodwa, kufaka phakathi leyo evela ezinhlangeni ezahlukahlukene, amasiko kanye nemikhuba yezocansi. Yize babefaka incazelo encane yombhangqwana wase-Afrika waseMelika uKevin no-Antoinette Patterson, nombhangqwana ongqingili uLogan Ford noRobert Reynolds, ukungabi bikho kwencazelo enemininingwane eminingi kwenza indaba yabo yazizwa ingabalulekile kangako. Incazelo eyengeziwe nengxoxo kusetshenziswe emibhangqwaneni emhlophe yabobulili obuhlukile, ngaleyo ndlela kuveza umbono onelungelo elingaphezulu lokungahambi komuntu oyedwa kanye ne-polyamory. Ngenkathi umbhali ebalula imithombo ebalulekile yomlando efana nencwadi yokuqala ekhuluma ngomshado ovulekile kaNena noGeorge O'Neill kusukela ngeminyaka yama-1970 kanye neThe Ethical Slut ebhalwe nguDossie Easton, lesi sihloko sanganaka ukucaphuna Ukuvulwa nguTristan Taormino noma i-Designer Relationships kaPatricia Johnson noMark Michaels, iminikelo ebalulekile kwezemfundo enikezwe ngabantu abacwile kule miphakathi. UJohnson noMichaels baveze ukuthi imibhangqwana evezwe kulesi sihloko yilabo abakhetha "ukungabambisani nabesifazane njengesixazululo sezinkinga zomshado kunokuphikisana nento abantu abayikhetha ngomdlandla".

Omunye wemizwa umbhali angazange ayisho ngokusobala endatshaneni yakhe kwakuwukucindezelwa, okuchazwe njengolwazi lokujabula ngenjabulo yomlingani wakho kufaka phakathi lapho beya ocansini nomlingani ongeyena wena. Lo muzwa unzima ukuthi o-monogamists abazinikele baqonde futhi ngokuqinisekile abelaphi abaningi bangaba nobunzima bokwethemba ukuthi le mizwa iyiqiniso njengoba sonke sikhuliswe ezweni lapho umona ubonakala ujwayelekile. Akukona ukuthi abantu abangabodwa abangazizwa benomona, bavele basebenze kuwo ngendlela ezinikele kakhulu ngenkathi bezizwa bephoqeleka. Ngakho-ke lapho iklayenti lami lizwakalisa injabulo yokuthi unkosikazi walo uhlangabezana nohlobo olusha lokuvusa isoka lakhe, iningi labelaphi bendabuko bangafuna uhlobo oluthile lokugula lokuthi kungani le ndoda ingazizwa inomona kuphela ngomlingani womkayo.

Ngenkathi indaba ye-Times ifaka udokotela owatshela omunye wemibhangqwana ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi beya esehlukanisweni, ayichazanga ukuthi lokhu kukhombisa kukhombisa kanjani isimo sengqondo sodokotela oyedwa obonakala enaso. Okushiyiwe esihlokweni sendlela umphakathi owelaphayo obheka ngayo imibhangqwana engashadile nomfazi oyedwa kungenzeka ukuthi bekungumbhali wombhali, kepha esihlalweni sami ngikubona njengethuba elilahlekile lokuveza indawo engaboni kahle kumathuluzi amaningi abahlengikazi. Kungani umelaphi ebengacabanga ukuthi isehlukaniso bekuwukuphela kwento abangayenza? Kungani ungasizi ozakwethu ukuthi badlule emzabalazweni wamandla abebekhona futhi beye ekoneni okubandakanya isifiso somyeni esishiwo sokuvula kusenesikhathi ebudlelwaneni kanye nentshisekelo yenkosikazi esanda kutholakala yezocansi nomunye umuntu? Empeleni angisho ukuthi umelaphi kufanele aqinisekise umbhangqwana ukuthi uthathe okuthile angenandaba nakho, lokho kungaba ukungasebenzi kodwa kunalokho ungacabangi umbuzo ngokuvula njengokuzikhethela ezimweni ezithile nokuthi ngabe lo mbhangqwana wake wakhuluma ngawo konke kungaba ukweqiwa kususelwa enkambisweni yomuntu oyedwa.

Njengoba kunikezwe ukuthi abelaphi abaningi bezithandani kanye nabelaphi bezocansi babona imibhangqwana eminingi isenkingeni lapho kutholakala ukuthandana noma ukungathembeki, kuyathakazelisa ukuthi laba belaphi abafanayo banenkinga yokuphatha umbhangqwana ozivumelanayo non-monogamous ngelensi ehlukile. Abelaphi abaningi bakholelwa ukuthi labo abenza ukwakheka kobudlelwano okungabodwa bomuntu ngandlela thile bonakalisiwe ezitayeleni zabo zokunamathiselwa, noma lolu hlaka luyindlela elula yokuthi abalingani bakhohlise ngemvume. Futhi ngenkathi kukhona labo abasemphakathini we-CNM (Consensual Non-Monogamous) abangahle baphule imithetho ebekwe ngumlingani wabo kanye nesithandwa sabo, kungani bengabonakala ngokungafani nemibhangqwana engacatshangwa ukuthi iyodwa lapho omunye umlingani engathembekile? Ngabe babanjwe ezingeni elihlukile lokuziphatha ngabelaphi bezithandani?

Elinye iphuzu engikhululeke ukulibona kubhulogi likaKevin Patterson lakamuva ngemuva kokuxoxwa kwakhe ngalesi sihloko ukuthi iqiniso lokuthi lona wesifazane u-Elizabeth okwakhulunywa ngaye kulesi sihloko wayebona indoda eshadile eyayingahambi “ngaphandle” nonkosikazi wayo ngokubona omunye umuntu wesifazane. Ngakho-ke, empeleni wayekhohlisa unkosikazi wakhe nowesifazane owayevulelekile kumyeni wakhe. Ngivumelana noPatterson ngeqiniso lokuthi leli lungiselelo empeleni un ukungahambi komuntu oyedwa ngokuziphatha njengoba kungewona wonke amaqembu abandakanyekile akhethe lolu hlelo hhayi into imiphakathi eminingi eyamukelayo ngenxa yokungabi bikho kokubonakala kwabo bonke abathintekayo.

Ukungathembeki ocansini bekuyinkinga yokwethula engibonile imibhangqwana engahlosile ukuthandana nomuntu oyedwa enkambisweni yami, noma ngabe kungenxa yokuthi umlingani ubone isithandwa sakhe izikhathi eziningi kunalokho okwakuvunyelwene ngakho ekuqaleni, enza isenzo socansi esasingavunyelwe noma ukuqala ubudlelwano obusha ngaphandle kokuxoxa ngakho ngaphambi kwesikhathi nomlingani oyinhloko. Futhi ngenkathi ngiphatha ukuphulwa umthetho ngeseluleko sokuthi izithandani zingabuya ebudlelwaneni bangaphandle okwesikhashana ukuqala kabusha ukwethembana nezivumelwano zabo, ngiyazi futhi ukuthi kwesinye isikhathi bazovulekela ukwenza i-polyamory noma i-non-monogamy futhi banikezwe indlela yabo yokuphila. Omunye umelaphi angacabanga ngalokhu njengomphumela omubi walezi zithandani, kepha ngicabanga ukuthi inqubo yokwelapha kufanele ihambisane nenhloso yombhangqwana ngamunye futhi iveze indlela yokuphila.

Imibhangqwana eminingi ize emkhubeni wami ngemuva kokubona umelaphi wemibhangqwana ejwayelekile eyabatshela ukuthi babedivosa noma ababezama ukubakholisa indlela yabo yokuphila uqobo lwabo kwakuwumthombo wengxabano yabo. Lezi zithandani ziqede ukwelashwa zizwa sengathi udaba lwazo lokwethula alulungisiwe nokuthi umelaphi akaziswanga. Ocwaningweni mayelana nesimo sengqondo ngokushada nomuntu oyedwa ne-CNM, ucwaningo lwakamuva luthole ukuthi izifundo zinamathuba amaningi okucabanga ukuthi abantu abasebudlelwaneni bomuntu oyedwa babephakeme kunabo abasebudlelwaneni be-CNM. Abaphenyi bebefunda umthelela we-halo ongaba nemiphumela efinyelela kude emphakathini wethu ngokujwayelekile, kepha ngenhloso yalesi sihloko ngigxile kumphumela wokubuka uhlobo olulodwa lwemibhangqwana enempilo kunolunye njengenkinga enkulu yokwelapha.

Uma abelaphi kufanele basize amaklayenti ebudlelwaneni babo bezothando, badinga ukwazi ukubona umlando wesikhathi esidlule womphakathi kanye nesiyalo sabo semibono engemihle ngokungekho komfazi oyedwa. Kungaba nzima ngabo ukuthi bafunde ukuthi ucwaningo lwakamuva lukhombisa ukuthi abalingani abangavumelani nobambiswano / imishado (labo bantu abakhohlisayo, noma abanezindaba) mancane amathuba okuthi basebenzise izindlela zokuvikela ezocansi nabo bobabili abathandi babo nabalingani babo (ukubashiya bobabili bevulekile kuma-STI) futhi mancane amathuba okuthi babambe iqhaza ekuhlolweni okuvamile kwe-STI kunabantu abavumelana non-monogamous.

Ngenkathi ngethula e-AASECT (I-American Association of Sex Educators, Counsors and Therapists) eminyakeni eminingana eyedlule kwi-Clinical Implications lapho Ukusebenza nabashadikazi Abangabodwa, impendulo yaba yimbi kakhulu kubahleli kwadingeka basiyise egumbini lokubhola elikhulu kakhulu ukuhlalisa izilaleli.

Uma wonke umelaphi eba nolwazi oluthe xaxa nge-CNM, Polyamory and Designer Relationships, ukuqonda kwabo ukuthi ukuhlola komuntu kobunye ubudlelwano ngenkathi egcina ukuvuleka okuvulekile, ukuthembana okuyisisekelo kungaba yimizamo yokuhlola izici zobuntu bakhe abazibuyisayo ubuhlobo babo obuyinhloko. Umbhangqwana onobungqingili oxoxa ngokusobala ngesifiso somyeni sokuletha unkosikazi wakhe ephathini yezocansi ngenkathi ezizwa enamahloni noma ethambekele ekuhlanganyeleni nomuntu wesithathu online abazulazuli nje kuphela ngokuziphatha kodwa nencazelo ejulile yangaphakathi nobuntu kanye nezocansi engaba nayo kulowo nalowo kubo, ngaleyo ndlela bavumela ngamunye wabo ukuba afakaze futhi azane ngokuseduze kunomuntu onobudlelwano obufihlekile mhlawumbe ongakaze atholakale.

Izikhathi eziningi lapho sibona izithandani ngemuva kokutholwa kwendaba, abelaphi bacabanga ukuthi umsebenzi wokwelapha wukuphinda uqalise ukwethembana kepha ngingeza lokho ukuze ngijule kakhulu ukuze ngihlole okushiwo nesikhathi sodaba, izici zendaba zombili lezi zinto ( okusho ukuthi, bekungokuphendula okuthile umlingani wakho abekwenza noma ebengakwenzi?), kanye / noma okwangaphakathi (bekunguhambo lwangaphakathi umuntu azulazula ngalo ukuze akhule, aguqule noma axazulule indlela azizwa ngayo ngaye? ) yimibuzo evumela umbhangqwana ukuba ukhule ngezindlela obungakaze uzicabange lapho kutholwa lolu daba okokuqala.

Uzakwethu u-Esther Perel, incwadi yakhe ezayo ethi The State of Affairs ihlola lezi zinkinga, ngokuqonda ukuthi bobabili abalingani, uma besebenza nabelaphi abakwaziyo ukubabamba nge-rollercoaster yemizwa yokululama bazofunda ngezizinda ezizimele zabalingani babo njengezizinda ezizimele ababezigweme ngaphakathi kwabo. Lolu hlobo lokuqhubeka kokutholwa komuntu siqu kanye nozakwethu ukuthi abalingani abavulekile, abakhulumanayo abangabodwa nabangabakwa-CNM bangazuza lapho babelana ngokulangazelela kwabo okujulile nemicabango yabo esimweni esingahluleli noma ngabe basekhaya noma nomelaphi onolwazi we-CNM ozimisele ukuhlangana nabo lapho bekhona.

UMichaels, M. & Johnson, P. (2015) Ubudlelwano Bomklami San Francisco, CA: Cleis Press