Kungani Akukho Okuthokozisayo Kwezothando Kunokuzola

“Unginika umkhuhlane lapho ungiqabula, Umkhuhlane uma ungibamba ungiqinisa,
Imfiva ekuseni, Fever ubusuku bonke. ” - Peggy Lee

Uthando lwezithandani luvamise ukuhlotshaniswa nesasasa lesiphepho. Yize kungaba kanjena impela, ngikholwa ukuthi emphakathini wethu osheshayo, ukuzola yinjabulo entsha yothando.

Izinhlobo Zothando Lwezothando

“Uthando lweqiniso aluyona inkanuko eqinile, evuthayo, engajahi. Ngokuphambene nalokho, into ezolile nejulile. Ibheka ngale kwangaphandle, futhi idonswa yizimfanelo kuphela. Ihlakaniphile futhi iyabandlulula, futhi ukuzinikela kwayo kungokoqobo futhi kuhlala njalo. ” —U-Ellen G. White

Imizwelo ivame ukuqhathaniswa neziphepho nomlilo: Yizimo ezingazinzile, ezinamandla ezibonisa ukujabula nokufutheka. Imizwa yenziwa lapho sibona ushintsho olukhulu noma ushintsho olungaba khona esimweni sethu (UBen-Ze'ev, 2000). Bajwayele ukukhulisa izimo futhi bazenze zibonakale ziphuthuma, okusivumela ukuthi sihlanganise izinsiza zethu.

Lesi sici sibuye siphumelele ekuchazeni uthando lothando. Njengoba uBetsy Prioleau (2003: 14) esho, "Uthando luhamba ngobuningi emanzini amile. Ludinga ukushukunyiswa ngokuvinjelwa nobunzima futhi luthiwe ukumangala." Ngakho-ke, "Okunikezwayo akufuneki." Sicabanga ukuthi uthando oluhle luqukethe injabulo eqhubekayo nemizwelo engashintshi, ukuthi uthando alwazi amazinga ahlukahlukene futhi akumele luyekethise.

Izici ezingenhla empeleni ziyiqiniso maqondana nohlobo oluthile lomzwelo — umuzwa ojulile, ogxile, ovame ukuhlala isikhashana. Ushintsho alukwazi ukuqhubeka isikhathi eside; uhlelo lomuntu ngokushesha lwamukela ushintsho njengesimo esijwayelekile, esizinzile futhi luyalungisa.

Kepha kukhona nemizwa ehlala njalo, engaqhubeka impilo yonke. Imizwelo ehlala njalo ingalolonga unomphela izimo zethu zengqondo nokuziphatha. Ukugqashuka kwentukuthelo kungahlala isikhashana, kepha usizi ngokulahlekelwa othandekayo luyazwakala njalo, lufaka imibala ezimweni zethu, indlela esiziphatha ngayo, luchume, nokuthi sihlobana kanjani nesikhathi nendawo. Uthando lwesikhathi eside lomuntu wesilisa ngomlingani wakhe kungenzeka lungabandakanyi imizwa eqhubekayo, kodwa luthonya isimo sakhe sengqondo nokuziphatha kwakhe kuye nakwabanye.

Akuyona yonke imizwa yesiphepho engaphenduka imizwa ehlala njalo, kepha uthando lwezithandani lungenza. Kulokhu, singahlukanisa phakathi kokuqina kothando nobukhulu. Ukuqina kothando kuyisifinyezo sesipiliyoni sothando ngesikhathi esithile; kubhekisa ezingeni lomzuzwana lesifiso esinenkanuko, imvamisa yezocansi. Inesikhathi esifushane, kepha akukho ntuthuko ebalulekile.

Ezothando ubuningi kuyinto eqhubekayo yothando equkethe kokubili ukushuba okuvamile nokuhlangenwe nakho okuhlala njalo okuthuthukisa futhi kuthuthukise ukuchuma kwesithandwa ngasinye nobuhlobo babo. Uthando olunjalo luhlolisiswa ikakhulu ngokufakwa kokusebenzisana okunengqondo, okubandakanya imisebenzi ehlangene kanye nokuhlangenwe nakho okwabiwe ngokomzwelo. Isikhathi sihle futhi siyabumbana ngobuningi bezothando, futhi sonakalisa ukuqina kothando.

Injabulo Ejulile Yokuthula

"Umdlandla ujabulisa ngokukhuthaza, ukugqugquzela, kanye nengcosana yobuchule." —Bo Bennett

Uhlobo lwamandla engihehayo ukuzola okukhulu. ” —UJulia Roberts

Singasho ukuthi injabulo akuyona imizwa emfushane, enothando ehilela ukuqina kothando kuphela; kungaba yingxenye yobudlelwano bothando obuqhubekayo, obujulile. Uma isasasa lifaka isifiso sokufunda kabanzi ngomuntu nokuzibandakanya kakhulu nothile, kufanele sicabange ukuthi isikhathi singakhuphula injabulo. Injabulo ejulile, yesikhathi eside ingafaka nezimo ezimfushane zesifiso esinamandla. Singakwazi ukuhlukanisa phakathi kokukha phezulu, injabulo yesiphepho nentokozo ejulile, enokuthula.

Njengoba umbono wenjabulo ezolile ungahle ubonakale uyi-oxymoron, ngizocacisa: Ukuzola kungumuzwa ophelele lapho ukufutheka kungekho khona. Lapho “ukuzola” kusetshenziswa kukhulunywa ngesimo sezulu, kukhombisa isimo esingenazo izivunguvungu, imimoya enamandla, noma amagagasi anamandla. Ukuzola akunazakhi ezingezinhle, njengokuxokozela, isiphithiphithi, uvalo, ukuphazamiseka, noma usizi; akusho ukuthi kufanele ungenzi lutho noma uswele ukwenza okuthile noma uthokoze. Eqinisweni, ukuzola kuyisici esibalulekile ukuze sichume. Ngoba ukuzola okujulile kuhlotshaniswa namandla angaphakathi, kunamandla futhi kuyazinza.

Ekuhlaziyeni izici ezijwayelekile zemizwa nezimo, ukuqhubeka okuyisisekelo kobukhulu bemizwa — ukuqhubeka kokuvusa inkanuko nobumnandi bokuqhubeka — kuyahambisana. URobert Thayer (1996) uphakamisa ukuhlukanisa ukuqhubeka kokuvuka kube yizinhlobo ezimbili — enye isukela emandleni iye ekukhathaleni kanti enye isuka esikhathini kuya ekuzoliseni. Ngakho-ke, sinezimo ezine eziyisisekelo ezithi: amandla azolile, ukukhathala okuzolile, amandla ashubile, nokukhathala. Ngayinye ingahlotshaniswa nesimo esithile ekuqhubekeni kobumnandi. Ngakho-ke, uThayer ubheka isimo samandla okuzola njengesimo esimnandi kunazo zonke, nokukhathala okusindayo njengesingemnandi neze. UThayer ukhombisa ukuthi abantu abaningi bayahluleka ukuhlukanisa phakathi kwamandla azolile namandla asesikhathini ngoba bayakukholelwa lokho noma kunini zinamandla, kunesilinganiso esithile sokushuba esimeni sazo. UThayer uphawula ukuthi umqondo wamandla okuzola awaziwa nakwamanye amazwe aseNtshonalanga, kepha hhayi kubantu bakwamanye amasiko.

Uhlinzeka ngemibhalo elandelayo evela kumphathi weZen uShunryu Suzuki (1970: 46):

“Ukuzola kwengqondo akusho ukuthi kufanele uyeke umsebenzi wakho. Ukuzola kwangempela kufanele kutholakale emsebenzini uqobo. Kulula ukuba nokuthula uma ungenzi lutho, kodwa ukuzola lapho usebenza kungukuzola kwangempela. ”

Lolu hlobo lokuzola okunamandla lungatholakala emisebenzini ejulile, engaphakathi, eyakha ukukhula kwabantu. Njengoba imisebenzi enjalo ijabulisa, singakhuluma ngentokozo enkulu ezolile.

Ukuvuthwa nenjabulo ezolile

"Kuyangishaya ukuthi 'siziphatha' (empeleni, asiziphathi) njengabasha; asikwazi yini okungenani ukuzama ukuziphatha sengathi singabantu abadala abavuthiwe? Ngizizwa sengathi ngineminyaka engamashumi amabili futhi." —Umfazi oshadile nesithandwa sakhe esishadile (bobabili abaseminyakeni yama-50)

Ukuvuthwa kubonakala kungqubuzana nobusha nentokozo; abantu abasha babhekwa njengabanemizwa ethé xaxa kunabantu abadala. Ubungqabavu bezothando besikhashana esifushane buvame ukwenziwa ngoshintsho lwangaphandle, lwenoveli, ngenkathi uthando olujulile lwesikhathi eside lususelwa ekuthuthukisweni kwangaphakathi kwabajwayelekile. Maphakathi nendawo yakuqala yinjabulo engalawuleki; enkabeni yalokhu kuzola (ukuthula, ukuthula), okubandakanya ukuvuthwa (UMogilner, et al., 2011).

Ngenxa yalomehluko, ukucabanga okuvamile kokuthi "injabulo iyancipha ngeminyaka" kutholakala kungamanga. Ngokuphambene nalokho, ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi abantu asebekhulile empeleni ngijabule ngokwengeziwe futhi Okuningi benelisekile ngezimpilo zabo kunabantu abasha. Enye incazelo engaba khona ukuthi lapho sibona ukuthi iminyaka yethu isibaliwe, siguqula umbono wethu futhi sithambekele ekugxileni kokuhlangenwe nakho okuhle kwamanje. Kulezi zimo, okuhlangenwe nakho kwethu ngokomzwelo kungenzeka ukuthi kuqukethe ukuzola. USonja Lyubomirsky, ngokufingqa lokhu okutholakele, uphawula ukuthi kubantu abaningi, "iminyaka ehamba phambili" isengxenyeni yesibili yokuphila (Lyubomirsky, 2013; bheka futhi Carstensen, 2009; Carstensen, et al., 2011).

Kutholakale ukuthi abantu asebekhulile babheka abalingani babo njengabafudumele phakathi kokungaboni ngaso linye nokusebenza ngokubambisana futhi babika ukwaneliseka okuphezulu emshadweni. Imibhangqwana eshadile emidala inezingxabano ezimbalwa emshadweni kunabalingani bayo abasebasha, yize ibika ukuthi izibopho ezivusa inkanuko yobulili azibalulekile kangako ezimpilweni zazo. Uthando lomlingani, olususelwe ebunganeni, lubonakala luyinto eyinhloko ezimpilweni zabo. Kukonke, ubudlelwano obusondelene nokuguga buyavumelana futhi buyanelisa (IBerscheid, 2010; UCharles & Carstensen, 2009).

Ukuzola Emisebenzini Yezothando

“Ezothando zinesiphepho. Uthando luzolile. ” —UMason Cooley

Okuhlangenwe nakho kothando olujulile kuqukethe imisebenzi ebonakalayo ebonakalayo, ethuthukisa ukukhula kwesithandwa ngasinye kanye nobunye babo.I-profundity ivame ukuhlotshaniswa nobunzima. Ukuthanda umuntu ngokujulile kubandakanya isimo sengqondo esibanzi esibona ubunothile, okunengqondo, nobunzima besimo sothandekayo. Isimo sengqondo sokukha phezulu kothile ukubona umuntu ngendlela elula futhi engakhethi, ungazinaki izici ezijulile zomuntu.

Ubuningi bezothando buphikisana nokulahlekelwa ngamandla obekungenzeka kwenzeke ngesikhathi. Lapho uthando lujule, imisebenzi yezothando ingaba ezolile kepha ijabulise. Ukuzola kwezothando kuhlotshaniswa nokwethembana okujulile okukhona ebudlelwaneni obunothando; injabulo itholakala emuzwa wokuthuthuka nokuthola okungcono kakhulu kuwe nakuzakwenu.

Ukucatshangelwa okungenhla kungaxazulula inkinga abantu abanayo lapho befuna ukuthandana okungukuthi Kokubili kuyajabulisa futhi kuzinzile. Abantu bathanda uthando lwabo lwezothando ukuthi lujabulise; bafuna ukuzizwa bephila ngokugcwele futhi bejabule kakhulu. Isiqubulo sengosi yengevu enesihloko esithi “Ushadile Futhi Uyathandana” sithi “Ushadile, Hhayi Ufile” —nale ngosi yokuxoxa ithembisa ukwenza amalungu ayo “azizwe ephila futhi.” Kepha lolu hlobo lwenjabulo engaphezulu alubandakanyi intshiseko eqhubekayo, ukuvunywa, noma intshisekelo yokwazi okwengeziwe ngomunye. Othandweni olujulile, ungalahlekelwa yinjabulo ekha phezulu, kepha uthole injabulo yesikhathi eside, enokuthula ehilela ukwazi nokwazana nomunye nomunye.

Ukhetha Luhlobo Luni Lenjabulo?

“Ngithole isimangaliso sothando (esisha, esisha sha) ngokutholakala kokuthula okumangalisayo okuqhakazile kimi. Konke kuthule, kuzolile, ngaphandle kwengcindezi nokwesaba okukhulu. ” --Yehuda Ben-Ze'ev

Emphakathini ongazinzile osekelwe phezu kwejubane nokusebenza kahle, sigcwala injabulo engenamsebenzi. Abantu abahamba kancane futhi abajulile bavame ukuba yizisulu zejubane elisheshayo; abantu abasheshayo nabangaphandle banomphetho. Amanethiwekhi omphakathi enza ukuxhumana phakathi kwabantu kusheshe futhi kungabi kujule kakhulu, kunciphise ubuningi bezothando futhi kwandise inkinga yesizungu, engadalwa ukungabi bikho kokuxhumana nabantu, kepha ukungabikho kunengqondo, kujulile ukuxhumana nomphakathi.

Umphakathi wesimanje usinikeza inqwaba yenjabulo ekha phezulu, kepha injabulo encane kakhulu. Umgwaqo ongaphezulu uyakhanga futhi ubonakala unikela ngamathuba amaningi. Ukujaha isasasa elifushane lesiphepho, noma kunjalo, imvamisa kuyinkinga hhayi isixazululo. Lapho lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho kwenzeka kaningi kakhulu, kungaba yisicefe futhi kudumaze.

Angikuphiki impela ukubaluleka kwesiphepho, nakho okuthokozisayo, okuvame ukujabulisa kakhulu. Angiphiki futhi ukuthi kukhona ukuthengiselana phakathi kokuthambekela okungaphezulu kanye nobuningi bezothando; kodwa-ke, lokhu akuyona into yokuhweba phakathi kwesasasa elikhulu ne ukungabikho injabulo. Esikhundleni salokho, ukukhetha kwethu kuphakathi kokungajwayelekile, izifushane zenjabulo engasho lutho kanye ne isipiliyoni esiqhubekayo yenjabulo enkulu.

Njengoba siphila isikhathi eside, futhi umphakathi wethu usinikeza inqwaba yezinto ezingasho lutho, ezijabulisayo, inani lentokozo ejulile futhi ezolile lenyuke kakhulu. Ukuze sijabule kulezi zinsuku, asidingi okwengeziwe okukha phezulu, okuthokozisayo. Esikhundleni salokho, sidinga ikhono lokusungula, ukugcina, nokukhulisa injabulo ejulile, enokuthula. Ezimweni eziningi, kufanele sikhethe ubuqili futhi sibone ukuzola njengenjabulo entsha yothando.

IBerscheid, E. (2010). Uthando esilinganisweni sesine. Ukubuyekezwa Kwaminyaka Yonke kwePsychology, 61, 1-25.

UCarstensen, L. L., (2009). Ikusasa elide eliqhakazile. I-Broadway.

UCarstensen, LL, et al., (2011). Isipiliyoni esingokomzwelo siyathuthuka ngokukhula kweminyaka. Psychology Nokuguga, 26, 21-33.

UCharles, S. T. noCarstensen, L. L. (2009). Ukuguga komphakathi nangokomzwelo. Ukubuyekezwa Kwaminyaka Yonke KwePsychology, 61, 383–409.

ILyubomirsky, S. (2013). Izinganekwane zenjabulo. Iphengwini.

UMogilner, C., Kamvar, S., D., no-Aaker, J. (2011). Incazelo eshintshashintshayo yenjabulo. Isayensi Yezenhlalo Nezengqondo, 2, 395-402.

I-Prioleau, B. (2003). Seductress: Abesifazane abahlukumeze umhlaba nobuciko babo bothando obulahlekile. I-Viking.

USuzuki, S. (1970). Ingqondo yeZen, ingqondo yabaqalayo. Isimo sezulu.

UThayer, R. E. (1996). Umsuka wemizwa yansuku zonke. I-Oxford University.